Trailer Trash XX: Fast & Furious (Vin Diesel, 2009)

"Vroom, vroom. Vroooooooooom!"

If you don't read the title closely, you'd probably think I were referring to the first brains-free entry in the Fast and the Furious series (lovingly called the "F&F series" by fans and your mom) titled The Fast and the Furious. But I'm not. While you can see that I'm CLEARLY not talking about the second or third films, 2 Fast 2 Furious or Tokyo Drift. If you look closely and note the lack of articles in the title of the series, you'd know I'm referring to the upcoming fourth installment of the series. See: Fast & Furious. Sequel, duh.

Didn't know there was a new Fast and the Furious movie coming out? If so: good, and I envy you. But if you (like me and apparently most of America) caught Quantum of Solace this weekend you were probably exposed to dangerous amounts of stupid when you saw this tacked on to the front of the movie. To help ease all of your suffering, we're gonna Trailer Trash a movie that hasn't even come out yet. That's right, kids. This movie sucks from the future.

Enough chit-chat. Prepare yourselves: this is what poo will look like in the year 2009:



At 0:14 - Ok, they let us know the truck is full of gasoline. How much you wanna bet it explodes by the end of this scene?
At 0:18 - Children, don't try this at home.
At 0:35 - What? Whaaaat?
At 0:45 - That's right, crank the sucker to 35.
At 0:56 - This looks dangerous.
At 1:12 - Whoa! WHOOOOA! I knew that thing would explode!
At 1:16 - "Can you look into the camera, Mr. Diesel - or can I call you Vin? Vinny? Ok, there we go. Thanks!"
At 1:18 - Cue video game music.
At 1:25 - Juuuust like it's 2001.
At 1:29 - Remember when Paul Walker was a promising young actor? Yeah, me neither.
At 1:35 - Oh, those crazy Duke boys.
At 1:45 - The guy in the middle hasn't seen the first few movies.
At 1:48 - Vin Diesel's laugh - can't tell if the character thought the joke wasn't funny, or the actor himself.
At 1:58 - New model, still stupid.
At 2:08 - I hope 2009 never comes.

I'm gonna skip over the big question regarding WHY there's even a fourth one of these movies (I'm blaming you, West Virginia) and focus on my next question: What is Vin Diesel doing back in the series? Hasn't his career passed that point? Shouldn't he at least know better by now?


Vin Diesel link of the day: Thirty Years of Adventure, A Celebration of Dungeons and Dragons, foreword by Vin Diesel.

"Heh, heh."

Trailer Trash is a weekly tribute to oddball, cheesy and often just plain terrible movie trailers. Writers: These movies got made... so can yours! You can read through our archive by clicking here.

Holiday Movie Previews

Screenwriting blogger extraordinaire Ken Levine has posted his always-hilarious seasonal movie preview. My favorite bits:

CADILLAC RECORDS -- Story of Chess Records, famous R&B and Blues label of the 50s. Beyonce as Etta James. Younger audiences won’t know who Etta James is. Older audiences won’t know who Beyonce is. Age groups in the middle will be watching QUANTUM OF SOLACE for the third time.

BEDTIME STORIES – Adam Sandler in a feel-good CGI effects-loaded holiday movie for the whole family! Filled with wonder and magic and that shit.

You can read Part I and Part II here.

For another opinion on some of these movies, FreeWilliamsburg's November movie preview is here.

Our weekly Trailer Trash will go up on Sunday this week. But it's a special 'un, kids! Stay tuned!

Bruce Campbell Will Be In Your Movie (If you follow these simple rules...)

Evil Dead, Army of Darkness and Bubba Ho-Tep star Bruce Campbell shared his criteria for picking roles with Film School Rejects this week. Yes, Bruce Campbell will be in your movie, as long as it fits these criteria:

- The director must have experience: “I now have an official first-time director rule. That’s an official no.”
- The movie can’t have “Zombie” in the title: “That’s an instant no.”
- It also can’t have zombies in the movie: “Anything zombies is an immediate walk-away.”
- The script must be special: “It has to be something that makes me nervous when I read it.”

Read the full article here. Check it out.

Signed,
Uh....

Zombie.

(/slinks off out of Bruce Campbell's sight...)

What, When, Where this Weekend - Quantum of Solace, Slumdog Millionaire, A Christmas Tale, We Are Wizards

What, When, Where is a weekly guide to select screenings, discussions and events in the NYC-area of interest to screenwriters.

Opening this weekend...

QUANTUM OF SOLACE, written by Paul Haggis and Neal Purvis, dir. by Marc Forster


Premise: Seeking revenge for the death of his love, secret agent James Bond sets out to stop an environmentalist from taking control of a country's water supply.

Playing: Everywhere.

Casino Royale was my favorite Bond movie in a long, long, long time. I felt like it returned the series to the exercises in badassery they used to be. Hence, a little discouraged to see the lukewarm reviews. Don't let me down, Mr. Bond.

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE, written by Simon Beaufoy, dir. by Danny Boyle


Premise: The story of how impoverished Indian teen Jamal Malik became a contestant on the Hindi version of "Who Wants to be A Millionaire?" -- an endeavor made without prize money in mind, rather, an effort to prove his love for his friend Latika, who is an ardent fan of the show.

Playing at: Angelika, Lincoln Plaza Cinemas

Lots of great buzz about this. I've got a love-hate relationship with his movies (Love = Trainspotting, Sunshine, Shallow Grave, hell, even enjoyed A Life Less Ordinary... Hate = 28 Days Later, grrrrr) but I'm eager to check this one out.

A CHRISTMAS TALE, written by Emmanuel Bourdieu and Arnaud Desplechin, dir. by Arnaud Desplechin


Premise: The Vuillard's shared history of physical and mental illness, estrangement, self harm, and loss doesn't lead itself to the idea of a cheerful holiday season. But can a Christmastime reunion, a scheme concocted by three of the youngest family members, finally bring peace their clan?

Playing at: IFC Center, Lincoln Plaza Cinemas

It's not even Christmas yet - why are so many holiday movies being advertised already? (Four Christmases, I'm looking at you.) Anyway, I really want to see this one. I just wish it were opening at a time when I was remotely in the holiday spirit.

WE ARE WIZARDS, written and directed by Josh Koury


Premise: The documentary profiles some of the power players in the underground Harry Potter creative community. I'm not talking sinister meetings in the woods about the Dark Arts. Instead, the film offers us a seven-year-old rock star and his teen pop idols, hilarious audio-commentary set to the movie and online creative writing sites waging war with corporate agents.

Playing at: Cinema Village 12th Street

I feel like I'm one of the few people left in the world who is still in the dark with the whole Harry Potter thing. I haven't read any of the books, and the only bit of the movies I've seen was the first one on mute, while listening to the hilarious Wizard People, Dear Readers commentary track by Brad Neely. All I know is the series is that it's about a school of wizard kids who play soccer on brooms or something.

I'll get around to 'em eventually, I know. But in the meantime this documentary looks interesting, and hey, it's got Brad Neely in it!

What are you doing/seeing this weekend?

Warner Bros. offers Dark Knight screenplay for download

Warner Bros. has offered up their script for their record-breaking Dark Knight for download on their website, ahead of this year's award season.

You can download the script here. (Thanks, Slashfilm.)

For the sake of fairness and at the risk of starting another comment war, here's an early script for Predator, courtesy of Movie-Page.

JCVD - You Might be Surprised

I’m going to try not to be biased here, but I’ve seen Jean-Claude Van Damme spin kick about 2,372 people, and I’ve loved every gravity defying second. Some people would call him a “career terrible movie maker”, but I say it all depends on what you’re looking for in a movie, and in most cases involving Van Damme, an action movie. There are several of his films that I can’t defend, not even with a flamethrower, but when it comes to the knockout punch, the run and gun, and the spin kick, Van Damme has delivered and entertained us immensely. I didn’t mind that I walked away from Kickboxer not discussing great acting. I didn’t mind that I didn't walk away from Double Impact talking about how interesting the structure was. I didn’t mind that Universal Soldier: The Return (in theatres...seriously) didn’t leave me dwelling on its skillful blend of comedy and drama. After all, these are things that we’ve accepted as irrelevant with Van Damme movies, right? Well, actually, Van Damme fan or not, you might be surprised to find that JCVD was good, and it will leave you talking about more than action.

In JCVD, Van Damme plays himself. In 1994, himself = an international action star, and master of doing the splits. In 2008, himself = a faded star all but forgotten to Hollywood, a man almost defeated by the financial and emotional struggles of a custody battle with his ex-wife. Van Damme retreats to Belgium, his country of birth, where he finds that he’s still the hottest thing since their waffles. While trying to complete a simple money transfer at the local post office, he inadvertently walks into a heist and finds himself the center of attention for the robbers, the police, and the entire country.

JCVD is not an action movie. In fact you’ll get most of the action during the first five minutes when Van Damme fights his way across a movie set in a great single-shot sequence. The lack of action may be strange for most that are familiar with Van Damme’s work, but it was exciting to see the action give way in order to allow the cellar kept children of Van Damme movies, drama and comedy, to emerge into the light.

The true reward in the humor of the film is for those at least somewhat familiar with Van Damme movies. It’s hard for me to put myself in my girlfriend’s shoes (America’s Next Top Model, 30 Rock, Snuggling), but for me, the references to Van Damme’s signature moves and movies were great. But for the first time with Van Damme, doing the splits and kicking a cigarette out of a bad guy’s mouth wasn’t being viewed as great action moments. Instead it was all being made fun of, and Van Damme finds himself as a character whose splits aren’t worth a dime in Hollywood, but in his home country, and in a time when they mean almost nothing to him, they mean a great deal to the surrounding characters. Van Damme plays off of the image of the Hollywood star against his harsher reality, and though it leads to laughs, it also leads to the dramatic core of the movie.

Director Marbrouk El Mechri gives the story an interesting non-linear structure that works well, but the biggest and most dramatic jolt doesn’t come from a jump in time, but a break in the fourth wall. It’s a strange moment where the film becomes a sort of confessional for our protagonist, and damn you if you don’t acknowledge that Van Damme delivers. In this scene it’s tough to say how much was the real Van Damme versus the actor. I imagine people will have mixed reviews on this moment because it is jarring, but it also feels honest, and as the fourth wall re-erects itself, movie fans and movie makers alike should have a new appreciation for what Van Damme can offer. I’d like to say that I’ve been telling people since Double Impact that there’s more depth to Van Damme the actor. Although, this can’t truly be an “I told you so” moment because Van Damme does have the luxury of performing in his native language, and if he bursts back onto the Hollywood scene as a leading man I don’t think we’ll be seeing much French. Speaking of French, I don’t know any and relied heavily on the subtitles that made up most of the movie. The choice of white subtitles was horrible and made certain scenes very difficult to read. That was probably my biggest gripe with the movie, and not so big at all.

I’ve never clapped at a Van Damme movie until JCVD and I wasn’t alone. Most of the theatre applauded. It’s possible that we are all just a bunch of nuts that were caught up in the moment and overreacted, but it’s unlikely. There’s something there in JCVD for most to appreciate. Van Damme has managed to turn some heads back in his direction with this one. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn’t spin kick us with a poor follow up.

The Writing Wire for 11/11: More Girl Talk, Roberto Bolaño, Star Trek and more...

Here we go, yo.

• The Book Publicity Blog on why marketing folk should join microblogging site Twitter.

• Does D.L. Hughley's new CNN show suck? Romenesko links to a critic that says "hell yes."

• Cinematical reveals two weird facts: "The Karate Kid" film franchise is being revived, and Will Smith's kid is gonna be the star. "Karate Kid" without Pat Morita is blasphemy, I say.

• The New York Times says booksellers and publishers are nervous about holiday season sales.

• Is getting an agent harder than finishing your first novel? Murderati thinks so.

• Wired's Underwire blog on the two new Star Trek movie posters. See Chris Pine's Captain Kirk above.

• Californication is one of my favorite current shows. Film School Rejects recaps the latest episode.

• Ugh. The Boston Phoenix talks to Girl Talk.

• TIME says Roberto Bolaño's 2666 could be the best novel of 2008.

• Pitchfork interviews Calexico.