"Vroom, vroom. Vroooooooooom!"
If you don't read the title closely, you'd probably think I were referring to the first brains-free entry in the Fast and the Furious series (lovingly called the "F&F series" by fans and your mom) titled The Fast and the Furious. But I'm not. While you can see that I'm CLEARLY not talking about the second or third films, 2 Fast 2 Furious or Tokyo Drift. If you look closely and note the lack of articles in the title of the series, you'd know I'm referring to the upcoming fourth installment of the series. See: Fast & Furious. Sequel, duh.
Didn't know there was a new Fast and the Furious movie coming out? If so: good, and I envy you. But if you (like me and apparently most of America) caught Quantum of Solace this weekend you were probably exposed to dangerous amounts of stupid when you saw this tacked on to the front of the movie. To help ease all of your suffering, we're gonna Trailer Trash a movie that hasn't even come out yet. That's right, kids. This movie sucks from the future.
Enough chit-chat. Prepare yourselves: this is what poo will look like in the year 2009:
At 0:14 - Ok, they let us know the truck is full of gasoline. How much you wanna bet it explodes by the end of this scene?
At 0:18 - Children, don't try this at home.
At 0:35 - What? Whaaaat?
At 0:45 - That's right, crank the sucker to 35.
At 0:56 - This looks dangerous.
At 1:12 - Whoa! WHOOOOA! I knew that thing would explode!
At 1:16 - "Can you look into the camera, Mr. Diesel - or can I call you Vin? Vinny? Ok, there we go. Thanks!"
At 1:18 - Cue video game music.
At 1:25 - Juuuust like it's 2001.
At 1:29 - Remember when Paul Walker was a promising young actor? Yeah, me neither.
At 1:35 - Oh, those crazy Duke boys.
At 1:45 - The guy in the middle hasn't seen the first few movies.
At 1:48 - Vin Diesel's laugh - can't tell if the character thought the joke wasn't funny, or the actor himself.
At 1:58 - New model, still stupid.
At 2:08 - I hope 2009 never comes.
I'm gonna skip over the big question regarding WHY there's even a fourth one of these movies (I'm blaming you, West Virginia) and focus on my next question: What is Vin Diesel doing back in the series? Hasn't his career passed that point? Shouldn't he at least know better by now?
Vin Diesel link of the day: Thirty Years of Adventure, A Celebration of Dungeons and Dragons, foreword by Vin Diesel.
"Heh, heh."
Trailer Trash is a weekly tribute to oddball, cheesy and often just plain terrible movie trailers. Writers: These movies got made... so can yours! You can read through our archive by clicking here.
5 comments:
You know, when the trailer first began to play before Quantum of Solace, I thought, oh hey, this might not be that bad of hijack movie: in the not so distant future, oil become so rare that truckdriving is a dangerous job and bandits are back in business. Something like Road Warrior with commentary of what's happening now.... And then Vin Diesel shows up and suddenly the trailer became a montague of...plotless stuff that has nothing to do with the first minute of the trailer. When the title finally showed up, I was filled with a deep sorrow for our mindless movie future.
Do you remember when you made me watch the director's cut of Robocop and I told you I wanted those 3 hours of my life back and I intend to collect? Scratch that, I want the past 2 minutes of my life back, and I think you should do the same for everyone else who had to watch that.
It's pretty funny that Michelle Rodriguez is in a driving movie, considering that she got kicked off of LOST because she racked up a bunch of DUIs.
That, and she was a shrieking harpy.
But wait! There might be blonde chicks making out! That's reason enough for me to see this movie.
loved the trailer cant wait for the movie!!
no im not joking :)
Who cares if you hate the franchise! yeah the scripts are bad and the actors are walking talking props but anyone who goes to see this movie knows that. Its another 99minute Hollywood moneymaker but i will enjoy it. It will have action, fast cars and scantily clad women. Nice :)
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