Sunday, November 16, 2008

Trailer Trash XX: Fast & Furious (Vin Diesel, 2009)

"Vroom, vroom. Vroooooooooom!"

If you don't read the title closely, you'd probably think I were referring to the first brains-free entry in the Fast and the Furious series (lovingly called the "F&F series" by fans and your mom) titled The Fast and the Furious. But I'm not. While you can see that I'm CLEARLY not talking about the second or third films, 2 Fast 2 Furious or Tokyo Drift. If you look closely and note the lack of articles in the title of the series, you'd know I'm referring to the upcoming fourth installment of the series. See: Fast & Furious. Sequel, duh.

Didn't know there was a new Fast and the Furious movie coming out? If so: good, and I envy you. But if you (like me and apparently most of America) caught Quantum of Solace this weekend you were probably exposed to dangerous amounts of stupid when you saw this tacked on to the front of the movie. To help ease all of your suffering, we're gonna Trailer Trash a movie that hasn't even come out yet. That's right, kids. This movie sucks from the future.

Enough chit-chat. Prepare yourselves: this is what poo will look like in the year 2009:

At 0:14 - Ok, they let us know the truck is full of gasoline. How much you wanna bet it explodes by the end of this scene?
At 0:18 - Children, don't try this at home.
At 0:35 - What? Whaaaat?
At 0:45 - That's right, crank the sucker to 35.
At 0:56 - This looks dangerous.
At 1:12 - Whoa! WHOOOOA! I knew that thing would explode!
At 1:16 - "Can you look into the camera, Mr. Diesel - or can I call you Vin? Vinny? Ok, there we go. Thanks!"
At 1:18 - Cue video game music.
At 1:25 - Juuuust like it's 2001.
At 1:29 - Remember when Paul Walker was a promising young actor? Yeah, me neither.
At 1:35 - Oh, those crazy Duke boys.
At 1:45 - The guy in the middle hasn't seen the first few movies.
At 1:48 - Vin Diesel's laugh - can't tell if the character thought the joke wasn't funny, or the actor himself.
At 1:58 - New model, still stupid.
At 2:08 - I hope 2009 never comes.

I'm gonna skip over the big question regarding WHY there's even a fourth one of these movies (I'm blaming you, West Virginia) and focus on my next question: What is Vin Diesel doing back in the series? Hasn't his career passed that point? Shouldn't he at least know better by now?

Vin Diesel link of the day: Thirty Years of Adventure, A Celebration of Dungeons and Dragons, foreword by Vin Diesel.

"Heh, heh."

Trailer Trash is a weekly tribute to oddball, cheesy and often just plain terrible movie trailers. Writers: These movies got made... so can yours! You can read through our archive by clicking here.