Saturday, April 11, 2009

Trailer Trash XLII: Big Stan (Rob Schneider, 2007)

"Do you have anything you can tattoo around my sphincter to make it less attractive?"

Good God. Somehow, SOMEHOW I missed the DIRECTORIAL DEBUT of Rob Schneider. Maybe it's because I'm of at least moderate intelligence and don't require a handler to spoon-feed me my meals. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's go back a bit:


Speaking as a young screenwriter, more often than not bad movies give me a feeling of hope; if a terrible script can be made, then my better-written one has a chance, right? But Big Stan inspires no such good feelings.

Big Stan proves to me that there is no God in Hollywood. Watching the trailer makes me believe the entire film industry is actually a practical joke made at my expense.

The premise for the movie: Rob Schneider goes to prison and must protect himself from being raped. It's like whoever came up with the idea for Big Stan was watching HBO's Oz on DVD, and thought the horrible things that happen in prison would be absolutely hi-larious if they were played for laughs.

I always hoped that that Hollywood had some sort of protection mechanism that would prevent a "prison rape movie directed and produced by Rob Schneider, starring Rob Schneider" - but there evidently isn't. Somebody also put about $10 million dollars into this movie. If it didn't all come from Rob Schneider's own pocket, I'll give up the whole Hollywood dream right here, right now.

I feel a sense of shame putting this trailer up here. I really do. So I'll apologize here. If knowledge of this film's existence managed to escape you until this point, I'm sorry I ever brought it to your attention. If you really must watch it, feel free to stop after the first 20 seconds. The first 20 seconds of this trailer are easily among the most repugnant seconds ever committed to film.

I'll give you a couple minutes to clear the bile from your mouth.

My sole comfort in this film's existence is knowing that despite wrapping its filming in summer of '06, it was only finally released straight-to-DVD almost a full three years later. That just tells me that someone out there didn't want to unleash Big Stan on the world. (Except in Russia, where this apparently got a theatrical release.) I see that person as our guardian angel.

"That's a nice top. Would you mind lowering it a bit?"

Trailer Trash is a weekly tribute to oddball, cheesy and often just plain terrible movie trailers. Writers: Even Rob Schneider can get a movie made... so can you! You can read through our archive by clicking here.

1 comment:

Leetal said...

Rob Schneider Durp-de-Durp!