"America wasn't ready... but HE was!"
The mid 90s were a very special time for bad movie fan like myself. This was back before Blockbuster and Moviezone were the only option for VHS rentals - the days of the Ma & Pa video store. The crowded little places filled with shelves of sticker-covered video boxes, loosely categorized by genre. The types of places that carried more b-movies than you could every watch in a lifetime for 99 cents a rental. The types of places that wouldn't carry Citizen Kane, but WOULD have a copy of Full Metal Ninja and all of its sequels.
I filled my library with hundreds of trashy VHS tapes when these places started going out of business in the early 2000s. There are still a few great holdouts in New York City - but with the sad news that St. Marks' Kim's Video is closing its doors, I'm afraid that number is rapidly dwindling.
Anyhow, back in those yonder days of my youth, I remember browsing the action sections of these small stores and finding all sorts of treasures. There was always one thing to be certain, though: if an action movie wasn't directed by Godfrey Ho or star Seagal or Van Damme, Chuck Norris was bound to be in it. Chuck Norris was in about a billion terrible action movies in the 80s.
This was one of those movies. And it's really, really bad.
At 0:05 - Cannon Video: one of the most surefire signs that a movie is from the 80s and awful, just behind being titled "Police Academy" followed by a number.
At 0:14 - Review so far: Decent amount of necking, but not enough Norris.
At 0:22 - What a wholesome, pleasant little American town. It feels like a place where nothing bad could happen...
At 0:24 - OH SHIT OH DAMN THAT FAMILY GOT BAZOOKA'D
At 0:45 - You can tell that guy's evil by his accent.
At 0:51 - Walker!
At 0:56 - Is it just me, or does there seem to be an unnaturally high number of bazookas in this trailer? That's number three, there...
At 1:04 - And there's number four.
At 1:17 - "You can address it to Chuck Norris, PO Box 666, Hell."
I love how the trailer doesn't give any indication at all how Chuck Norris is tied into this movie. I mean, we see him kicking ass and taking names, but WHY does he kick ass? WHY does he take names? Is he some sort of government agent? Part of a special forces unit? A Texas ranger? Or is he just Chuck Norris?
Is it possible to write a protagonist whose only motivation and goal is to "kick every ass"? Discuss amongst yourselves. While you're doing that, check out the poster that'll soon be my next tattoo:
Wikipedia kindly points out something about the poster I never noticed: though Washington, D.C. and the Manhattan skyline appear in the background, no scenes in the movie take place in either city.
Awesome bonus: this movie is written by Chuck's brother, Aaron Norris. Most of his movie credits come as a stuntman, but he has a few other scripts to his name, including a few episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger and story credit on Top Dog. And yes, that means he's the guy who turned to Chuck Norris and said, "Let's team you up with a dog. Awesome, right?"
"Didn't work, huh? NOW it will!"
3 comments:
It's Kim's Avenue A that's closing - thankfully the st. marks one is open for the moment.
but if they took CBGBs, they can take anything, i guess.
I was at the Kim's on St. Mark's on Wednesday and the place was practically gutted already. Stuff was already heavily discounted, but it was getting to be slim pickins'.
Kim's is closing?!
Where will I get my Japanese cinema from the late 50s early 60s now?!
(And don't answer "duh Japan", it's all region whatever bullshit over here.)
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