Monday, April 16, 2007

It's an interesting thing, isn't it? The desire to make one's living by writing, and writing alone.

Since I've been out of school, which is about four months now, I really haven't done much writing to speak of. In fact, I've done almost as little as possible. Why? It wasn't a conscious effort, at least, not for most of the time. Yes, I did decide to take some time off after finishing school, but mostly to distance myself from the project I was working on at the time. But since then, I just haven't felt "motivated."

What is "motivated"? How should I make myself motivated when I'm not, or should I even bother. I sit down with my notebook or at my computer, and before I can help it, I find myself getting distracted, or doing something else before I'm even fully aware that I've given up writing. I keep telling myself that, "Tomorrow, I'll start writing," or, "I'll start after I sign a lease, or after the weekend" or any other number of things.

But the bottom line is: I'm wasting time. I'm not just procrastinating, which can involve doing other things in the mean time. I'm wasting time. Like it's something I have infinite amounts of. And quite frankly, I'm disgusted with myself for it. I understand that my time is limited. But that's not even the worst part of it. I go on or other such entertainment site, and I read about these actors making films at 18, tennis players winning tournaments at 19, that rare writer who sells a play or a script right out of college. And while I'm wasting my time, I'm also telling myself that "I'm going to sell my first script by the time I'm 23." My 22nd birthday was two days ago, and at this rate, there's not a chance I'm selling anything in the next 363 days.

Part of the problem I'm recognizing is that writing does not always feel as immediate to me as I wish it were. I have these visions of my movies and my plays, I see the action from my comic book ideas as though it were happening live in front of me. I know what the characters are saying, and I love to play up the emotional, heart-wrenching scenes. But to write it takes too long it seems. I've found my lack of patience to be disastrous, and confusing, if you consider that I seem to waste time as though I'd wait for anything.

So how do I motivate myself to write? Bottom line is: I don't. If I'm motivated, then great. Don't waste it any longer. Use it. Drop whatever I'm doing right then and there, and get to my computer, a notebook, a chalkboard, toilet paper and a pen if that's closest, and write. But if I'm not motivated, then I just have to sit down and write anyway. 362 days to go. Clock's ticking.

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